No one can help you but yourself.
That’s what I tell myself whenever I bring myself down over little things. We’re the ones that can control our feelings and emotions – as obvious as it may sound, it’s the truth and we need to remind ourselves constantly. We’re in charge. We control how we see a certain situation, how we see ourselves, or even how we see the world we live in. It’s something so obvious yet something I personally, need to tell myself constantly. Reminding myself whenever I need a boost back to my ‘good place’ until I’ve reached it – my zone.
I usually get kicked out of my zone a lot faster than the time and energy it takes me to pull myself back. Every time I get rejected, shut down, looked over, looked passed, ignored even – automatically my brain sends me the prerecorded message “You’re not enough.” I’ve touched on this subject a little on Enjoying Being Lost yet, I want to mention how such comments have actually bought me down, ruined my day, and I’m no longer in control of my thoughts and emotions.
You all have a little of ‘I want to save the world‘ in you, that’s why you’re here – in college. I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person, and it’s okay if that person is you.”
I’ve always been very insecure about myself. My parents would usually control my weight, telling me constantly that I need to lose some. There was never a happy medium. I was a happy child, I still am. I’m just an insecure one. I always feel like I’m never enough – I could do so much better, always. Every time a relationship of mine doesn’t work (with a friend, a lover, work-related even), I start blaming myself. I don’t really know how to cope without breaking into little pieces. I break down without stopping myself beforehand. I don’t have a build-in ‘stop signal’ like the cell cycle to tell me whether it’s okay or not okay to break down – it just happens.
Every time I ask myself whether “I’m enough”, all my insecurities bring back the Leyla I’ve learned to hide so well. I wonder whether anyone sees me as that girl. I wonder at times whether I’m attractive. Whether when I look down at my thighs and see fat, someone else sees something I don’t.
Take a deep breath and count to ten. Exhale.
Stop. Take a deep breath. Exhale. If someone out there feels something close to something I’ve described above – stop. It doesn’t matter. It’s all in your head. We keep telling ourselves the thinks we don’t want to be, believing it, thinking it truly is the way it is when it truly isn’t. We’re not as horrible as we tell ourselves, we’re enough. We’re more than enough.
I’ve learned how to control my mind and at times, times like today, when I felt unattractive and unproductive, I’ve decided to let go of the power I had of my mind. I didn’t tell myself to stop. I didn’t stop myself from destroying my inner image. I kept eating myself up. However, days like today were perfect for that self control some of us have built to endure. I should have stopped and told myself “I’m enough.”
It’s okay to have a bad day. It’s okay to let go and crush yourself and fall down. It’s not okay to stay there, however it is okay to use it to make you stronger than you were before.
So, what now? Today was the day when I fell. I fell so deep into a dark place where I truly believed that I was the worst. Yet now? I’m here sharing this moment with you to tell you – I’m stronger than I was before. I told myself that everything I kept telling myself is bullshit. I am enough. I am strong. I am smart. I am capable.
I am beautiful just the way I am.
I’m more than enough.