I grew up always wanting to be in a relationship. Even back in middle school and high school, I was surrounded with people ‘dating’ and holding hands, calling each other the titles and the labels they’ve been waiting for to be called the whole time. Even after I moved to Puerto Rico, all I could hear is about how hot one should dress to get the attention. I learned how to walk in heels because by all means, you’d be a loser if you went to a party in sandals. Fashion No-No for the junior mini-house parties in Puerto Rico.

Couples were everywhere and so was the dating scene and yet I couldn’t stop shaming myself. What kills me most about my thoughts back in the day is how I felt bad , not just for myself but for the people around me who would look at me. Too fat and too ugly. I looked in the mirror and blamed myself for being overweight, having a certain nose, having flabby arms and thighs. I somehow accused myself for being the way I am because no boy expressed their interest in me. No one asked me out, no one talked to me as the ‘hot’ girl. I was always that ‘one of the guys’ type and even so, distanced. I was that girl.

No man would want to date you because you’re so strong and masculine.

My self comments began to eat me up in a way that I didn’t see myself worthy enough for anything. I doubted a lot of things. I wasn’t capable of being that la femme type of a woman. I was too manly. I even remember how my sister-in-law mentioned how ‘no man would date me because I’m so strong and masculine’. I don’t blame her for telling me that, however she was one of those la femme girls who worried about her hair, make-up, and where her clothes were from. I, didn’t care. I, wasn’t la femme. I was that girl.

Why should a woman be called masculine and too strong in a way that’s unacceptable in our society? Why should a woman who knows what she wants in life, drives toward it, and doesn’t take the whole la femme shit serious, needs to change the way she talks, walks, and speaks in order to be considered acceptable. My mother even pitched in and said I walked too manly. I needed to do the whole sway thing. I needed to walk like a woman, the woman every girl wanted to become and every man apparently waited to fall in love with.

I rolled my eyes while writing this. How horrible can this sound?

I couldn’t wrap my head around the whole idea and I have yet to understand the whole concept. I used to wake up early in the morning, look into the mirror and just be disappointed. I wasn’t that girl that I’ve always wanted to become. I looked at myself in disgust, remembering the different instances where I heard a disgusting remark, being chosen last in school, not being picked to dance in school dances. Was I scarred? Maybe. I was scarred at not being that girl or I was just foolish and blindsided.

I realized that there are many different types of women…

After beginning university, my views changed. I was inspired by the different women that surrounded me not only on campus but also wherever I went. It was as if I noticed something that I never noticed before – confidence. I was still that girl who would wear sweats and sandals with no make-up yet this time, I accepted myself. I realized that there are many different types of women and yet, each and every one is unique and beautiful. I began comparing myself to these beautiful, curvy women who walked around with such pride and confidence and yet, I was this girl who couldn’t find the courage to wear shorts. I slowly began building my confidence. I began building the girl I wanted to become and be. That unique and original woman who is beautiful and majestic. #Amen

I quickly realized how attentive I became. My confidence out shined myself even though I still had the tweaks and the holes. I’m still not as confident as I want to be. I still look into the mirror and think I could be better. Before I would shame myself continuously and now however, I stop myself and notice ‘me’ in a brighter and a different way.

I began wearing make-up not to feminize myself but to use myself as an art piece. I have never seen a woman who’s ugly or fat. I see them as unhealthy or healthy and there’s a difference. I don’t look at myself as someone who’s overweight, I see myself as a curvy woman. I work out and take a better care of myself not because I need to in order to keep up my la femme status, but to become healthier and a better me.

I’m no longer in the urge to become that girl that people used to not want to date. I am on a journey to become the girl I want to love and care, because no love can be as strong as the love you have for yourself. And if I end up dating someone, I’m going to make sure I’m the truest, meanest me I could be. I don’t want the title, I want the acceptance of me.

JAVADOVA

Posted by:leylajv

7 replies on “Not Good Enough

  1. Your “every one is unique and beautiful” citation reminded me something similar, but totally opposite:“ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”-Fight club. But that’s no matter. And one more thing to add: I have realized you are using to much of YET word and avoiding BUT.Whatever.
    Regading what you wrote, totally agree that confifdence solves a lot problems about acceptance and your social position in society. “Be yourself”(c).
    One more thing and I am done- try to start dating someone, anyone. It is not gonna be perfect for first time, does not matter how hard you try. But you will get precious experience which will help you when you will meet your special one and believe me, you will need that “bad” previous experience.

    Like

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed the article! No one mentioned about dating in particular, in which that’s a different story line.
      My usage of the word “but” is minimal because that word is considered to be grotesque in the writing community if used often. I myself am trying to have a specific way of writing which is more selfless, unique, and comfortable.

      Thanks for reading! Means a bunch!

      Like

  2. Beautiful, just beautiful! You literally touched my heart. I Could relate to every single line you wrote. I was also called masculine, fat, not-worthy-of-anything, etc. My friends would always laugh at me for wearing sport shoes everywhere I go, because I didn’t have the courage to wear heels or sandals(I thought my feet looked too fat). I couldn’t even wear shorts in 55°C weather! Then I decided to finally give this all an end. I started exercising and eating clean for a whole year ,and let me tell you, it was the best decision I’ve ever made. It was hard, and when I mean hard, I mean super hard. Some days I wanted to give up because I didn’t have the strength to continue anymore. But guess what? I didn’t. I wanted to prove every one of those bullies wrong. And now that I’ve lost 15kg of weight after training for a whole year, all those people -who once said the nasty things to me- suddenly started complimenting me and saying they wanted to hang out more. Although I started this journey because I was sick of people bringing me down, I later realized that it was not the hate or wanting revenge that kept me going, it was the feeling of accomplishment. That feeling that you get after finishing your workout. That urge to change for better me. That’s what kept me going. My point is, do what you really want to do because you want it, not because others want it. If you’re curvy and comfortable in your own skin, don’t change!! You don’t have to unless you want to! To win, you have to be mentally strong.
    I know that this was a reaaaally long comment but it feels nice to share the feelings that I kept in myself for a long time.
    Keep up with the posts! I love every single one of them !!

    Like

    1. It’s very important to believe in yourself when no one would and it’s crucial to know how important you are and how beautiful you are! You’re working-out for a HEALTHIER you because you are already beautiful on the outside and on the inside! I’m beyond grateful for readers like yourself, who can relate and can communicate with their own stories! Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s